More randomness from my brain....

I know they say that sorry is the hardest word (they, or whoever did that bad song in the '70s), but I'm beginning to believe that C-H-A-N-G-E might be the hardest word in the entire English language.  At least it is for me.  After the wonkyness I alluded to in my last post, I have been thinking a lot (A LOT A LOT) about ME and how I'm contributing to the wonkyness.  And really how my behavior is contributing to it.  I'm trying to be loving about it and not beat myself over the head, but I'm also trying to be honest.  Honest self-appraisal?  Yeah, sign me up for that!  It is so hard for me to swallow old behaviors and reactions and try to do things differently.  And it is really scary.  I shrink from change a lot of the time because I'm worried that the people in my orbit won't like the new, albeit improved, me.  I even worry about my husband.  God forbid he wake up one day and say, "You are not the person I married."  Or maybe God willing?  Is it possible that change could be a good thing?  I guess if I'm not happy with me, then a changed me can only be a good thing.  Or maybe it's not even about good or bad.  Maybe it's just about different.  Different isn't good or bad, it's just different.  And goodness knows I want to be different than I have been.

When will I ever be enough?

I don't even know where to start.  One thing after another has been going wonky in my world, and today might just have been the last straw.  I love how I have so many people telling me not to be so down on myself and that I'm fabulous, yet then they turn around and tell me what a crappy person I am.  It can't be both ways.  I'm not saying that I'm perfect, cause I certainly am not.  And I am painfully aware of my flaws (real and imagined) all the time.  But if I'm so horrible, why do people even want me in their lives?  I just don't get it.  I will admit that I am the ultimate people pleaser and I have trouble being completely upfront about stuff.  It's cause I want everyone to like me and no one to be mad at me.  So I don't like to tell people stuff I think they don't want to hear.  Or stuff I don't want to admit yet.  I'm working on it.  I just don't understand how it is that I continue to have these people in my orbit who I can just never make happy enough.  I am always doing something wrong or not enough or too much and it's seriously making me insane.  And I get that if it's happening with more than one person the common denominator is me, but I just don't know how to fix it.  Is there a book I can read?  Or a workshop?  Or can all you perfect people please tell me what it is that I can do to finally fix the piece of junk that is me?

I realize that this is all overly dramatic and some of it is probably because I'm just so freaking sick about all this right now.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm never enough.  I want to believe I'm enough, but I just can't ever get there.  And today is just another example of how I'm falling short of the mark, again. Ugh.  That's all I've got.  Ugh.

More goings on...

We have had an incredibly eventful last few weeks. On the day after Christmas, Jack had a seizure while we were out at breakfast with my in-laws. It was quite possibly one of the scariest experiences of my life. I've seen seizures before, but only in my dog. We called 911 and the paramedics arrived very quickly. Jack and I were transported by ambulance to the hospital and by about an hour after the incident he was back to completely normal. They did a CAT scan and blood work and all that was normal, so we're not sure exactly what caused it. We're following up with an EEG and neurologist, and just praying that everything will turn out okay. We may never know what happened, but we're just glad that Jack's back to acting like his old self.   Jack has had his EEG, and it came back completely normal too.  No follow up with the neuro, because we basically won't know what happened.  So we'll just keep an eye on him and see if anything ever presents again.  About the same time as the seizure, Jack had a stomach virus too. So there were a number of multi-outfit days.  Good times!  Then, the house got a cold (because it's never a cold that only one person gets).  About  3 days into it Roy got an ear infection!  That's our first ear infection in 3 years.  He's doing fine, but then Jack got the cold and was exhibiting ear infection-like symptoms.  He didn't get a full blown ear infection, but it has been fun trying to make sure that everyone is sleeping like the should (not that any of us are).  And to round out the two weeks of medical drama (it's busier than an ER episode here), Jack and I visited the cardiologist.  He definitely has a heart murmur, but it is what they call an "innocent heart murmur".  So, basically, it's just a little noisier in there.  His heart and valves and all that are working very well.  Yippee!

In the midst of all this, we had a week and a half vacation from school, and we got nearly 2 feet of snow the weekend before Christmas!  So we were busy digging out and playing in the snow and trying to not get cabin fever.

One other new thing is that I've committed to do the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure here in DC in October.  I'm going to walk 60 miles over 3 days to try to help find a cure for breast cancer.  I don't have a family connection to the disease (although I have friends who are survivors and who are currently battling diagnoses) and so I think part of my motivation is that I feel really lucky.  I am relatively healthy and I have two very healthy boys.  I'm walking for people who aren't so lucky.  If you read this, you'll probably be hearing from me (more than once) asking you to support me.  Please consider giving what you can.  Every little bit helps!

Busy season has begun anew.  Dean worked last Saturday, and barring any snow this weekend he will be working this Saturday too.  I love busy season!